The bell rang. The sound was deliberate – specific. To most,
it was their saving grace from the mundane, but to a very few, the bell
signalled the end of sanctuary, the end of hiding in a seat in a classroom and it
signalled their having to go out into the real world and deal with real people,
deal with life. When that bell rang, Jacob, with his long black hair, barely
covering his eyes and falling tentatively on his pale cheeks, let out an exasperated
sigh. It was again time for him to walk down the hall, alone. It was time for
him to ride a cab, alone. It was time for him to go back to his empty house
where he would be alone. Alone.
Sometimes, a pseudo-friend would call him and tag along for a
bit. They’d exchange small talk, and fake interest in each other’s lives.
Usually, promises to “catch up” or “hang out” are swapped– something they
both know would never happen anytime soon. They never really stuck around long
enough. Well, at least, long enough to know Jacob.
You see, Jacob is a very complicated boy – so complicated
that not even his parents really understand him, but whose parents actually could
say they completely understand their own kid, right?. He’s been sent to every
therapist within a 50 mile radius, but they all say the same thing. He’s a
perfectly healthy kid with just a bit of a hard time coping with what happened.
He was just fourteen when it did happen. A drunk driver, a
clumsy paramedic and a buttload of bad luck took his best friend away from him.
That was a year ago. Jacob wasn’t even there when the whole accident happened.
He was outside a movie theatre waiting for someone. That’s what bothered his parents
so much. Why would Jacob act like that? He had nothing to do with Ryan’s death.
But he took it all too hard.
The once hyperactive kid who was moderately popular, who had
tons of friends, suddenly became a recluse, because some boy died. But that’s
just it. Bryan wasn’t just some boy. He was THE boy. That night, when all hell
broke loose, Ryan was coming to meet him at the theatre. They were gonna have
their first ever date. But nobody knew that.
His parents who are never home don’t know how much he hurt.
His friends weren’t real enough to be with him during those dark times.
But this was a year ago. Jacob had stopped crying. He decided
to be alright; he believes in the whole, “decide to be happy/choose to be happy”
bit. But there was still this hole – like a severed limb – a pulsating sting,
muted enough to not hurt, but severe enough to be noticed. He dealt with the
emptiness by accepting it. What was a feeling was now a full blown person. Every
now and then, he’d go blank. He’d stare into nothing, but you can see into his
eyes the magnitude of his pain. And then he’d snap back into reality and he’ll
act okay.
He was gay in a world where being different, the slightest bit,
was bad. He had a chance at happiness but, it faded when Ryan died. Loneliness –
that mocking fear of being alone was what had kept him from coming out. He decided
that Ryan was the only single person who could have made him happy – the only
one who would’ve loved him. Jacob felt that when he died, he lost his chance at
being free.
When that bell rang, it rang for Jacob for the last time. He
decided, to be okay, like he always does, he decided his destiny. He didn’t
want to act happy. He didn’t want to feign smiles at random people who pretend
to care.
When he walked down the hall, alone, and rode that cab alone,
he knew what to do. He slipped into his empty house, and with a blade – he decided,
finally, to be free.
